Some of Wayne's Favorite Things to Talk About
Building Communities of Men Without Shame
Some men love their wives with all of their hearts, and yet can't seem to go a single day without arguing. Some men seemingly have everything money can buy,but are truly lonely and desperate for the company of a close buddy. Some men are successful in business, but lack the tools to be successful as fathers. And there are many more men who are sad, angry or unhappy—who realize that something needs to change in their lives—but have no idea what to do about it.
 Despite their differences, there is something most of these men share—and that's shame. Shame is that sense that there's something wrong with you. Shame is what keeps men stuck in their own stuff! If men can't do it—whatever “it” is— on their own, they're likely not to do “it” at all. In this case, “it” is asking for help.
We've suffered a tragic loss in our society. With few exceptions, we no longer value the support of other men. We no longer live in communities with our extended families, our brothers, uncles, cousins and grandfathers. We have a couple of generations of men and young men who now believe that asking other men for support is a sign of weakness. It's not. We weren't meant to do “it” alone.
The work we're doing at BetterMen.org is about creating these communities of men. It's about dispelling the myth that there's shame in asking for help. The work we're doing is letting men know that there's nothing “wrong” with them—they just need men in their lives who can give them a hand. There's no shame in that.
Our communities will be better places for us all when men asking for the support of other men becomes the rule, rather than the exception. Let's support our men to build those communities. Top^
What's Up With Us Men?
We come to a point in our lives when we realize something isn't working. Perhaps we once believed we had things figured out. But now we're married, have kids or have been grinding the stone for a lot of years, and we find ourselves not as happy as we once were. Or, we find ourselves frustrated, angry or sad. And worse, we're taking it out on the people who love and need us most—our wives and kids.
Most men who find their way to this work (men's work, counseling, etc.) come in believing they're different from other men. What's “wrong” with them is far more severe than what troubles other men, or so they think. The shame they carry isolates them from what they need most. The truth is, no matter how the details of our lives may differ, most men need the same things.
 We need other men to help us figure out what's not working, and to support us as we change to become better men. The old survival techniques and coping mechanisms—though essential and possibly lifesaving in their day—are no longer necessary. The bogeyman is long gone, but he continues to live in our heads. The men help each other to identify that bogeyman and destroy him. This is what happens when men learn to trust each other and to allow themselves to be fathered by one another.
The BetterMen process isn't therapy. It's part mentoring, teaching, loving and ass-kicking. In other words, it's fathering. Men who participate in individual coaching, men's groups, and our BetterMen Retreats, get the fathering they need to become the best men, husbands and fathers they can be.
It's not easy for most men to acknowledge when they need help. There's a lot of fear to fight through to take off the mask and reveal who they really are to other men. It takes courage. We believe the courage is there. The work we do helps men find that courage. And with that courage, good men become better men. Imagine what your homes, communities and workplaces would be like were they filled with men committed to being the best men they could be. Top^
Can You Handle the Truth About Men?
You really want to know what men admit to when they're in the company of men they trust, away from the competitive battlefields of the work place? Can you handle the truth—the truth hidden in most men in our communities—behind their masks, their plastered-on smiles, and their tremendous efforts to “look good” atall cost? Okay, if you think you're ready.
Men are afraid of their wives. Yeah, they really are. They have no idea why they go ballistic when their wives are unhappy, angry or sad. Men are lonely. No matter how friendly, successful—whatever that means, wealthy or involved in their communities, men are isolated and they have no place to go for real feedback from other men, the kind of input that could help them to be happy and to stay committed to their wives and kids.
Men are angry. They're trying their best to do their jobs as husbands and dads, while carrying with them a lifetime of pain, confusion and unresolved feelings toward their own fathers. Men are sad. Behind all that anger is an ocean of grief that terrifies the strongest of men. Men are full of shame. Men think there's something wrong with them because their new house, car, or wife isn't doing the trick anymore. They think they're supposed to have all the answers. They thinkasking for help is a sign of weakness.
The BetterMen® process isn't therapy. It's part mentoring, teaching, loving and ass-kicking. In other words, it's fathering. Men who participate in individual coaching, men's groups, and our BetterMen® Retreats, get the fathering they need to  become the best men, husbands and fathers they can be.
It's not easy for most men to acknowledge when they need help. There's a lot of fear to fight through to take off the mask and reveal who they really are to other men. It takes courage. We believe the courage is there. The work we do helps men find that courage. And with that courage, good men become better men. Imagine what your homes, communities and workplaces would be like were they filled with men committed to being the best men they could be. Top^
Your Sons: The Best Reason to Be a Better Man
A group of men and their sons—ages 6 to 25—got together for a weekend in the mountains a couple of weeks ago. Those of you who have participated in father/son events may think you have an idea of what took place. I've been involved in many father/son events, some of which have been great fun and an opportunity to spend time with my son in the company of other men. But the BetterMen® Father/Son Retreat was something else all together.
It went beyond Boy Scouts, beyond Indian Guides, and even beyond the father/son events I've attended that were hosted by other men's organizations. This event was a true rite of passage for the boys, and life-changing for some of the dads. And the only reason it was the success that it was, was because of the dads who have been doing men's work, and who were willing to reveal themselves to the men and to their sons.
As I write this, I'm aware that my words may not adequately describe the experiences we all had. The dads learned from their sons. They learned about courage, honesty and how to have real fun like only boys can. More importantly, the boys learned what it looks like to be a three-dimensional man. The boys saw their dads teach each other, laugh and play, as well as cry and talk about their own fathers. They saw their dads being the men they wanted to be with other men. How often does that happen in our society?
Some of these boys saw sights they had never seen before. The results: much deeper relationships among all of the participants, and greater respect between fathers and sons, as well as for this process we call BetterMen's work. The boys are now asking their dads, “When's our next father/son weekend, dad?” Now that's the beginning of a beautiful relationship; a relationship with a solid foundation wherein the son has a good chance of growing up to be a healthy and good man—because his father is doing his best to be an example for his son.
We believe it takes a community of men to raise our boys to be good men, good dads and good husbands. That's the kind of community we're building here at the BetterMen.org . We hope you'll help us make this community grow by joining us, supporting our efforts, and by spreading the word to the good men in your life. Top^
It All Depends on How You Define It?
When men come to be mentored, or to join one of our men's groups, they usually want to know how long it will take. I ask them, “What do you mean by it?” Then there's usually silence.
The it is a tough thing to define. For most men, the it is about getting unstuck from some suffocating set of circumstances, real or imagined. But how does one get unstuck? How long will it take to get unstuck? Well, that's what the it is all about. The more important question to ask is: When will I begin to clearly define my goals, to create the vision of the man I want to be, and to start being that man in all areas of my life?
We live and breathe in a media-saturated culture that celebrates instant gratification, amazingly fast results, and extreme makeovers between the commercial breaks. That's TV. That's not life. Important changes take commitment and hard work. And the sooner we men learn that lesson, the sooner we grow up. The sooner we grow up, the sooner we can make changes in our own lives and the sooner we can teach those lessons to our kids. But first, we have to overcome the fear of acknowledging and addressing it.
One of the reasons why it can be so terrifying is because we men don't realize that, more often than not, we have it in common with most other men. We don't realize that fact because men generally won't discuss it with other men. So, we keep it a secret, tell ourselves more lies about what's wrong with us—or with them—and become increasingly more isolated. Stuck. That's what we've been taught. That's how men have been socialized to behave. But that's not the way it has to be.
The BetterMen® approach teaches men to build strong and trusting relationships with other men. We teach each other. We support each other to make changes in our lives. We make commitments and we hold each other accountable. That's how we get unstuck. That's how we make progress toward achieving our goals. And that's how you can become the best man you can be in all areas of your life.
As for how long this process takes, well, that's entirely up to you. Most men have been creating the walls, tightening the masks and believing the lies for a very long time. It takes some time to sort things out and to develop a plan. It takes commitment and hard work to implement the plan, and to begin trusting yourself and trusting other men. But once you start, the changes start to happen. Once you make the commitment to be that better man, you actually start to become that better man. And that's the beginning of the extreme makeover that really counts.
That's all there is to it. Top^
Mentoring and the BetterMen® Process
 In Greek mythology, Mentor was a faithful, wise and trusted advisor to Telemachus, son of Odysseus. Through the years, we have grown to think of mentors as many things, including teachers, guides, father figures, loyal friends, confidants, coaches, and role models. Mentoring is all of these, and it's the focus of the BetterMen® process and the work we do at the West Coast Men's Center.
In many ways, we find that through the BetterMen® process, we actually father each other to be BetterMen® . Let's face it, when you hit a rough patch in your life, who better to help guide you through it than a caring, understanding and no-nonsense "dad," a man who's committed to your best interests and in seeing you develop into the best man you can be? Now, this may not have been the experience you had with your own father. But that doesn't mean you can't get that kind of support from other men. For many men, this is one of the most valuable lessons to learn.
Working with a mentor is an extremely effective way to discover the vision of the man you want to be, the obstacles in your way, and a plan to break through those barriers to become the best man you can be.
Men are reluctant to take advantage of this kind of support. But the truth is, most of us need help from time to time to figure out what we want from life, to understand what's keeping us from getting it, and to get the support we need to get into action to make improvements at home, at work and in our communities.
Being the best man you can be takes time. After all, it took you quite a few years to arrive in the place you're in today. But through the support of initiated men, we grow up, we change, we improve, and we get closer and closer to being the man, father, husband, friend and mentor we've always wanted to be.
The BetterMen® process isn't therapy. What most men need is not a diagnosis. What we need is trusting relationships with other men, to make commitments to be BetterMen® , and to be held accountable to our commitments. This is what changes men's lives. This is what improves the lives of those we love. Top^
How Do You Know When You're Making Progress?
This question comes up all the time in our individual and group mentoring sessions. It takes great commitment for men to make changes in their lives to become BetterMen® . After all that hard work, men want to see something big happen—some remarkable and unmistakable sign from above—to assure them that they're on the right track.
Unfortunately, it usually doesn't work that way. Sure, there are times when men approach situations or relationships differently and are amazed by the sudden, dramatic and positive results. But the more significant moments are the ones that sort of sneak up on men. They're the instances when a man quietly realizes that what might have been an argument with his wife, just passed right by without notice. Or, those moments when a man realizes that what was once a distracting and debilitating addiction, is now a mere manageable inconvenience. And there are those moments when a man looks ahead and—because he's learned enough about what he used to do to be part of the problem—can successfully plan a weekend away so it's a wonderful time for him and the woman he loves.
When we gather in our men's groups we talk about these moments. We can look at these moments because a facilitator is slowing down or stopping the conversation long enough to appreciate them. And they really do need to be pointed out. Most of the time, they can be glanced over so easily, we're not aware that we've actually made great progress in becoming the men we want to be.
So, men out there, slow down a bit. If you've made a commitment to become a better man, how are you doing? Are you aware of the positive changes in your life and in your relationships? Are you moving so quickly through life that you're missing those priceless moments?
The great thing about the men is that they'll kick you're ass when you need it, but they'll also let you know when you've done a good job. That's how you know when you're making progress. Top^
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